The Worst Used Car Commercial Ever
Monday, November 26th, 2007This has to be the worst commercial for a used car dealership I have ever seen:
Archive for the ‘Aussie Humor’ Category
Levels of Security
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
Here is some Aussie humor for everyone before the weekend:
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The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
The Australian’s level has increased from "what the f#ck" to "who the f#ck". The next level for Australia will be "well f#ck me" all the way up to "enough is a f#ckin nuff".
Keeping Out the Rabbits
Friday, July 13th, 2007You have to have lived in Australia for a while to understand this picture.
Aussie Tourism Jokes
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007I received this through the e-mail today from a co-worker enjoy.
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of? Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come Naked. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK) A: You are a British politician, right? Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/ gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispenserattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Dave in Sydney
Wednesday, March 7th, 2007Dave from Snake Gully was visiting Sydney. He walked into a bar in Oxford Street and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
"Hi," he said, "I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"No," she remarked, "I am a Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beirut?"
Three Aussie Blokes in Heaven
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007Three blokes died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you men are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!" So Peter asks the first bloke, "How long were you married?" He replies, "24 years." St. Peter then asks, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The bloke says, "Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Mini for you to drive."
The second bloke walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after." Peter said, "I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Ford Falcon for you to drive."
The third bloke walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive" A little while later, the two blokes with the Falcon and the Mini saw the bloke with the Jaguar crying on the golden footpath so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearfully said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
